Probably you've been there. That moment when you felt that the earth stood still, that your world was shattered into pieces, when you wish your heart would stop beating and your mind would stop asking "why"" or "is this really happening to me?!"
How to forgive, how to trust again, how to keep on taking the risk of giving again? Without doing all these, your life will always feel like a shadow of what used to be or could have been.
Many people I worked with in therapy realized, after some honest inner investigation, that they never really recovered from this kind of trauma, carrying confused feelings of guilt and anger.
Step 1
You need to gather information and to generally understand why affairs happens generally and why it specifically happened to you. At this stage there will be a gap between the intellectual understanding and the emotional reconciliation with the facts.
This analyze phase means that you will have to evaluate some of the hypocrisies you have entertaining about yourself, your relationship and life generally.
Hypocrisies about love, about your self image, about honesty, meaning and even spirituality.
The myth of monogamy, the arrogance feelings that we can never be replaced, the exaggeration that if the partner was capable of cheating it means they don't love you anymore or the extreme exaggeration that they actually never loved you.
The self delusion that you could never cheat on them. The truth is that given the right circumstances, almost everybody can be a cheater. Remember that moment when you were so attracted by that person?
Step 2
Understanding the reasons of why the cheating happened will bring solace. Admitting your own mistakes is an important step as well.
Many times partners cheat because they need a validation they weren't getting it from you. They can cheat because it's easier in times of personal crisis to connect with a stranger, with no strings attached, to share some moments of raw anonymous pleasure.
They cheated because the opportunity was there, because instinct overrides ration many times, because the animal within is stronger than the spiritual creature evolution has forced us into.
They cheated because we are reasoning apes and not falling angels.
And because they literally didn't stop to think too much about the consequences. They did it because they thought they will never get caught. Sometimes it hurts even the fact that they were not discreet enough as you to never find out about it.
The myth of exclusivity and monogamy is also an important player in this process. It is a very necessary myth, one that keeps society together and that forges history. At an individual level though, in the long run monogamy is a very improbable situation.
It's very hard to reconcile with this idea and probably better to not consider it if you haven't faced this situation.
Step 3
Forgiveness is a crucial part of the process. It will take time, don't rush it. After understanding the reasons that lead to the affair, the cheating partner has to take the responsibility of recreating the trust.
It will take sometimes years for the trust to be restored - 2 to 3 years is not unlikely. When an affair is not fully dealt with, it just gets buried alive and leads to an emotional distance that lasts forever.
The real "you" is the negotiation between past traumas and future hopes and ambitions. Therefore forgive, grow and make better choices.
Step 4
Building a new relationship
A new commitment has to be made, basically a new relationship has to begin. The previous relationship had been broken, you need to end it as it was and have a fresh start.
You are new individuals now, more mature, more complex, more aware. Probably less idealistic but with reasons of being together equally rational and emotional.
Compromises have to be accepted, re-calibrating needs and expectations. Wisdom and acceptance are the names of the games now.
Without these steps, shadows will always reign over the emotional life of the couple. Couple counseling is highly indicated at this point. There might be long standing issues that sabotages the relationship. They have to be addressed. Or you can keep lying to yourself but in time you'll get depression, panic attacks and an overall sense of lack of passion and magic.
In order for the relationship to continue it has to be healed completely. Don't carry the burden of disappointment, guilt and anger in your future relationships.
Love and relationships will always be a reality of your life. Take the time to understand this ultimate human enterprise. Without them, all your other achievements will pale and worth less.
Sophie Rinaldi is a life coach and licensed counselor.
You can learn more about Sophie Rinaldi or have a session of online counseling through live chat at http://www.therapy-counseling.net
Sophie Rinaldi is an expert counselor and licensed therapist offering live advice through live chat or email sessions http://therapy-counseling.net/
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