"I feel so awful since Jim left me that I just want to die," Janice cried.
"You've got to get over it," Harriet, her best friend admonished.
"I can't. I'm so depressed that all I think about is killing myself. Don't worry I won't do that," she uttered, seeing her friend's concern.
"I feel like a fool, and that no one will ever like me again. I know that it sounds, like I'm making myself suffer and want to punish myself, but that's what I feel. I blame myself for causing him to leave me, although he was as much to blame as me."
"Janice, you're making yourself sick. I know that you can feel miserable when you think your world has come to an end. But it hasn't. Now listen and I'll tell you what you need to do starting right now."
"All right," Janice agreed, "Tell me what to do."
"These ideas will really help you, so listen closely. This is a five-step cure for your blues," Harriet said, with a slight smile.
Step one: You need to change how you handle your anger. You have to stop hating yourself, blaming yourself, and thinking you're a terrible person. You need to focus on the real relationship, what you both did wrong, how you were deceived and what prevented you from trying to resolve your problem. You need to use your anger constructively.
Step two: You are to set up a program that takes you outside your house that you can share with friends. Take a walk. Go to a movie. Go to the library. Go shopping. Buy something.
Step three: Arrange to spend talking time with a friend. I volunteer for the job," Harriet said warmly. "Talk over the past with the idea of learning from it and not to make yourself into a victim or to overemphasize the loss.
Step Four: If you find that you are still considerably depressed then join a therapy group of women who are also struggling to overcome a similar loss.
Step Five: Start dating. Your exact timing is less important than making that decision now and then waiting until you feel comfortable. But if you do the other four steps then dating should happen quickly.
"That is all you need to do. Janice, your worst enemy is remaining a victim of the loss and not actively taking these steps to overcome the reaction. You can be free of your depression very quickly if you enter this period of change with hope and enthusiasm and know that you will soon be living a very different life."
A deep sense of loss, self-blame and anger at the rejecting person are commonplace when romances and deep relationships end. In general, such endings in retrospect are often healthy by preventing the continuation of a relationship that is tottering on the brink of being dysfunctional. By evaluating why the relationship ended you will gain understanding that improves the potential of future romances enduring.
By Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. August 17, 2011
Reaching the highest levels of love, intimacy, communication and sharing come from the building of understanding and trust. For in-depth suggestions, advice and methods to improve your relationship read "Couples in Crisis."
Visit http://www.drmarvinberenson.com/ to review "Couples in Crisis" and sign-up to receive Dr. Berenson's highly informative biweekly newsletter and two FREE gifts.
Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. is Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry, USC Keck School of Medicine, psychiatrist, lecturer, author and artist.
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